The Invisible Trap: When Parental Control Outlives Childhood

I knew that how their father and I treated our children when they were young would shape their lifelong emotional DNA and so I spent years walking a legal and emotional tightrope - trying to shield them from his controlling behaviour while respecting court orders and their long-term right to a relationship with him. I wanted to protect them from his "manipulative instinct", and I always believed that if I could just get them through their childhood, they would be safe - I had hoped that by the time they reached adulthood, the threat would have dissipated. I was wrong. What I failed to realise was that the control wouldn't stop at eighteen. It would simply evolve.

The Early Years Battle: Replacing the Voice

Because we were separated, their childhood was a tale of two worlds. In my home, I fought a daily, silent battle to ensure they knew their own minds. I worked tirelessly to be the voice of reason, the one that said, "You are enough," and "Your opinion matters." I was constantly trying to replace the control that I knew he was trying to install in them.

His control back then was often disguised as “what was best for them" but beneath the surface, it was a constant undermining of their autonomy.

• The Power Struggles: Simple choices became battlegrounds. If they didn’t comply with his specific vision of how they should act, speak, or think, the emotional withdrawal was immediate.

• The Puppet Strings: He used them as tools to exert influence over me. Every weekend visit or holiday was an opportunity to send messages, undermine my rules, or make the children feel they had to choose a side to keep the peace.

• The Loss of Innocence: While other children were playing, mine were navigating complex adult emotions. They were learning how to placate, how to hide their true feelings, and how to manage a parent’s ego - skills no child should ever have to master.

As a mother, it was exhausting. Every time they returned from him, I would gently "decompress" them - undoing the knots of anxiety and helping them find their own voices again. There were times when the distress in my children was too visible to ignore. In those moments, I was forced into an impossible position. I was faced with a court order on one hand, and my children’s fear and unhappiness on the other.

More than once, I made the conscious decision to breach those orders. I withdrew contact because their safety and emotional well-being had to come before a piece of paper. I knew the risks; I knew the family courts often view such actions as "parental alienation" rather than what they truly are - an emergency act of protection. But when your child doesn’t feel safe, you don’t weigh the legal consequences; you act as the shield they need you to be.

I did everything in my power to give them a "normal" life. I tried to be the anchor, the safe harbour where they didn't have to perform. But the shadow of his behaviour followed them. It set the stage for the "trauma bond" that would later make it so difficult for them to walk away as adults. They didn't know any other way to be his children; they had been trained from birth that his love only came with compliance.

But that is the tragedy of the situation: even with a strong, protective parent providing a safe harbour, the "atmospheric control" of the other parent still left a mark. They spent their childhoods navigating the gap between my empowerment and his control and I think this "tug-of-war" they battled from such a young age, is why they felt conflicted as they got older.

The Myth of the "Safe" Adult Relationship

They had my voice telling them they were free, but they still had the muscle memory of trying to please a man who made love a moving target. And as my children moved into and beyond their teenage years, they frequently renewed their contact with him, on their own terms. I supported them, in fact, when they became adults, I actively encouraged it - I told myself that he was no longer a threat. He couldn't use them as pawns to hurt me or undermine my parenting anymore. I naively thought, “Why would he jeopardise his only chance at a relationship with them now?”

But the controlling behaviour continued. It wasn't about me anymore; it was about the total possession of their reality.

The Subtle Violence of Gaslighting

He never used his fists; he used their memories. He denied their childhood experiences, minimised their pain, and made them question their own minds. When they looked for empathy, they found a wall of indifference or a finger pointed back at me.

His love was a currency, not a gift. It was conditional - tethered to financial support or emotional crumbs that could be withdrawn the moment they showed autonomy. He monitored their messages, tracked their locations, and invaded their privacy, all while insisting his view was the only "correct" one.

The Survival Response: Fight vs. Flight

Watching my adult children navigate this was like watching a slow-motion collision. They fell back into the roles they learned as young children:

• The Eldest (The Fighter): They would meet the control with fire, resulting in explosive arguments and a cycle of frustration and anger.

• The Youngest (The Silent): They would simply shut down; silence their phone, hide in their room, and try to disappear from the "bombardment" of messages.

To them, it wasn't abuse. It was just "Dad being Dad." It’s a tragic hallmark of the trauma bond: they kept going back, hoping for a different result, only to be wounded again.

The Breaking Point

The dynamic shifted when the "buffer" was removed. My eldest had always been the protector, the one who hatched the escape plans. When they moved on to their own life, the youngest was left exposed.

It wasn't until the youngest saw this same pattern affecting their father’s new partner and her children that they found the strength to act. They did what no child should ever have to do: they stood up to their own father and supported police action. Watching their father be taken away - while hearing him scream that it was all his child’s fault – will leave a scar that may never fully fade.

The Helplessness of the "Other" Parent

What do you do when your children are adults? You cannot forbid them from seeing a parent. If you push too hard, you risk alienating them or forcing them to keep secrets.

So, you watch. You wait. You keep the door open. You become a sanctuary for when the inevitable happens. You pick up the pieces, clean the wounds, and protect the bruises until they are strong enough to stand on their own.

A System That Fails to See

We need to talk more about this. The family courts and social services are often blind to the subtlety of coercive control. Protective mothers are frequently dismissed as "bitter" or accused of "parental alienation," while the actual abuser is granted access under the guise of the "child's best interest."

Even with the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, which criminalises coercive control, the burden of proof is staggering. How does a police officer understand twenty years of psychological warfare in a twenty-minute house call?

Reclaiming the Narrative

I have seen how draining it is to cope with a controlling parent as an adult. We need more awareness to help our children:

1. Identify the behaviour: Recognise gaslighting and manipulation for what it is.

2. Eliminate guilt: Understand that a parent's erratic behaviour is not the child’s responsibility.

3. Set boundaries: Learn that "No" is a complete sentence and a necessary tool for survival.

   
   

My children are standing now - stronger, firmer, and resolute. They have learned the hardest way possible that they are loved and that they cannot be beaten by a bully, no matter who that bully is.

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Resources & Support

If you recognise these patterns in your own life or are watching a loved one navigate a controlling relationship, you are not alone. There are specialist organisations dedicated to helping you understand your rights and reclaim your well-being.

For Immediate Help and Advice

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): * Call: 0808 2000 247 (Free, 24/7)

  • Visit: nationaldahelpline.org.uk (Live chat available)

  • Specialises in all forms of domestic abuse, including coercive control and emotional manipulation.

    
    

• Women’s Aid: * Visit: womensaid.org.uk

  • Offers a "Survivor’s Handbook" and a community forum to connect with others who have shared experiences.

    
    

• Men’s Advice Line (Respect):

  • Call: 0808 801 0327

  • Visit: mensadviceline.org.uk

  • A confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and those supporting them.

    
    

For Adult Survivors of Childhood/Parental Abuse

• NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood):

  • Call: 0808 801 0331

  • Visit: napac.org.uk

  • The UK’s only national charity offering support specifically to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse.

    
    

For Parents Supporting Adult Children

• PEGS (Parenting Experiences of Ghosting and Situational Abuse):

  • Visit: pegsupport.co.uk

  • While they specialise in child-to-parent abuse, they are a leading voice in understanding complex domestic dynamics and offer virtual support to parents of adult children.

    
    

Understanding the Law

• Rights of Women:

  • Visit: rightsofwomen.org.uk

  • Provides vital legal advice to help women navigate the family courts and understand the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.

Books for the Journey of Reclaiming Your Mind

I have included links to books that have helped my family navigate this journey. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission from these, which helps me keep this magazine running as a free resource for others.

Knowledge is the first step towards healing when navigating the aftermath of coercive control. These are three fundamental resources for parents and adult children trying to understand the 'unseen' scars of psychological warfare:

• 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft – The definitive guide to understanding the minds of angry and controlling men. It was a lighthouse for me in the dark.

• 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk – Essential for understanding how the 'muscle memory' of childhood trauma affects our health and decisions as adults.

• 'It's Not You' by Dr. Ramani Durvasula – A vital resource for adult children of narcissistic or controlling parents to help eliminate guilt and set firm boundaries.

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